I don’t know if it was hurt or anger that came first.
Definitely anger, now that I think about it. This ugly burning rage in my chest. It started slow, with my first suspicion and then grew and grew until my whole body vibrated.
Then came sadness and hurt. With your admission.
Then anger again, every time a new lie was revealed. Followed by more hurt as the realization of everything sunk in. Usually the person who makes the mistake is the one who has to pay for it but for some reason I feel like it’s me who has the bigger cost to pay.
Here comes trust issues for the rest of my life. Sleepless nights. Foodless days. Bags under my eyes. Nightmares that appear as dreams, of a time before. Before you were selfish. Before you chose a fleeting moment over a lifetime of happiness.
You say I was perfect. That there was nothing wrong with our relationship. That we were happy. How can that be true? If it were, would you have went elsewhere? Would you have lied? Would you have planned it like you did the first chance you got?
I know this isn’t my usual blog post but all I can do is write through this. My heart is gone and I am lost. Searching for reason, for understanding, and I am coming up blank.
And the reason for that is, I can’t understand it, I can’t reason it, because I never would have done it, that’s not the person I am. I wouldn’t hurt the ones I love. I don’t have that bone in my body.
Someone once told me I was strong, I was resilient. That I persevered through difficulties that came in my way. Funny enough I thought you were a tool, to help me do exactly that. To help me charge through life and get through those difficult moments. I never expected you would be one.